140: A Twitter Performance
A Play Of Brief Communication
by Jeremy Gable


A NOTE ON TWITTER STYLE

CAST OF CHARACTERS

SETTING

ACT ONE: THE TRANSFORMER

JUNE 10TH

DANE: Watching Transformers again to get ready for the sequel. Autobots and Megan Fox. This should be my life.

COURTNEY: It sucks trying to find a good paying job in Idaho. Anybody know a non-crap job that doesn't pay minimum wage?

NIK: @danemainman june 24, brotha! i’m hoping for at least one moment where starscream whacks shia labeouf in the dick!

LESLIE: I'm now on Twitter at Dane's suggestion so that we can "communicate better ".  No one told me talking was obsolete.  How would they?


JUNE 11TH

DANE: @lesleopard Get with the times, Leslie! You’re not THAT old! Well, kinda.

LESLIE: @danemainman Cut that kind of talk, mister!  Until you can smoke, drink and rent a car (legally), no more old jokes.  Smartass.

COURTNEY: Mom and sister fighting again. This is too small a house for yelling.  @Nikolopolis, wanna go out somewhere?

NIK: @ccmcallis yep! cool to bring dane along?

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis How romantic.

LESLIE: I came home from work to find Dane is out.  The house is too quiet.  It’s times like these I want my husband back.

DANE: I forgot how much I hate being the third wheel. Note to self...get girlfriend.


JUNE 12TH

COURTNEY: Who in Hayden Lake can we hook Dane up with?

NIK: @ccmcallis we’ve gone through the phonebook. no one’s that desperate.
DANE: @nikolopolis Guys, I’m right here. Seriously. I’m in the same room with both of you. And I have a cell phone, too.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Don’t worry about it so much.  Just loosen up and be yourself.  Any girl would be lucky to have you.

DANE: @lesleopard Leslie! PLEASE don’t talk to me about girls!

LESLIE: I wonder at what exact point I became old.


JUNE 13TH

DANE: What is there to do in Hayden Lake on a Saturday night? Besides drugs. Just kidding. Drugs do ME! I don’t know what that means.

NIK: cruising sherman ave tonight. hey ladies!

DANE: @nikolopolis Yeah, thanks for inviting me. Dick.


JUNE 14TH

DANE: Wait! Megan Fox is on Twitter? How did I not know this? Hi @realmfox! Big fan here!

NIK: @danemainman we’re never going to see you away from your computer again are we?

COURTNEY: @Nikolopolis Cruising Sherman Avenue? Without me? Nik?

NIK: hey ladies = happy flag day, everyone!


JUNE 15TH

LESLIE: My son is attracted to a woman who is closer to my age than his.  I believe the appropriate letters are W, T and F.

DANE: I’m still wrapping my head around Leslie’s last tweet. Did she really just say WTF?

NIK: for the record i think dane’s mom is hotter than megan fox.

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis Thank you.  :-)

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis I just had a really enlightening talk with Trisha. I found out that you’re an asshole.

NIK: @ccmcallis if she told you anything other than me just giving her a ride shes lying!

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis Can we not talk about this on Twitter? I’m coming over.

DANE: Dear everyone, please stop calling Leslie hot where I can see or read it. Sincerely, me.


JUNE 16TH

DANE: @realmfox I’m really excited for the new Transformers . The first one is my favorite movie. So thanks for being awesome!

NIK: i love that i’m being blamed for being nice. i thought that giving people rides and compliments were good things.

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis  I appreciated the compliment, Nik.  I will leave discussion about anything else to the Internet goblins.

COURTNEY: Going to a job interview. Trying not to think about certain things. Bleh.

NIK: @lesleopard anytime. nice to see that SOMEONE appreciates me.

DANE: Twitter was down. Nik was flirting with my stepmom. Today got weird. But no bad vibes. Just waiting for Megan’s response to my tweet.


JUNE 17TH

DANE: At Hastings. Andy in the books department asked about Leslie. My stepmom has a better sex life than I do.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Please don’t discuss my personal life on Twitter.  People I know read this.

COURTNEY: So I have a crap job. It’s the parking booth at Tubbs Hill. Seriously, I can’t get anything better than this?

DANE: @ccmcallis Congrats. I’ll have to visit you sometime.

NIK: @ccmcallis does this mean we’re not hanging out as much?

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis Either that or you keep paying for everything. Which I know you hate. So, job it is!

LESLIE: I ran into a former co-worker at the bank.  She asked about my husband.  I thought I was done with the whole "passed away " talk.

DANE: Megan Fox mentioned she won’t responding on Twitter for a while. It’s understandable. Revenge of the Fallen one week from today! WOO!


JUNE 18TH

COURTNEY: Up way too early. First day of new job today. Wish me luck.

DANE: @ccmcallis Good luck, Courtney! Rock that parking booth!

NIK: @ccmcallis call me when you get out.

LESLIE: For those of you asking, Dane is my STEPson.  I did not give birth to him when I was 10.  Common sense, please.

DANE: @lesleopard Common sense? Really? You do realize you’re on Twitter, right?

LESLIE: I was going to do the green picture thing for Iranian protestors.  But my Twitter picture is already green.  Did I start a trend?

COURTNEY: The job sucks, but hopefully I can find something better down the road. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to do this.

NIK: still waiting for call from @ccmcallis. i’ll just keep watching the law & order marathon. law & order never judges me.


JUNE 19TH

DANE: Friday’s aren’t nearly as exciting when on summer vacation. Oh another day off? Okay if you insist.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  How about, oh I don’t know, a job???

DANE: @lesleopard I’ve been trying. Courtney took the last job left that isn’t fast food. And there’s no way I’m doing fast food.

DANE: @lesleopard Besides, who needs a job when I’ve got way too much savings?

LESLIE: @Danemainman That's called inheritance, and it's going to your college education.

COURTNEY: Nik is coming over to talk. I’m not sure how to feel right now. I’ll make up a word. Flabiggis. I’m flabiggis right now.


JUNE 20TH

COURTNEY: Long talk with Nik last night. I think we may be okay. Misunderstandings, bad communication, blah blah blah...

NIK: i wanna take the lady to a movie but I’ve seen everything that’s not shit. what should we go see?

DANE: @nikolopolis She loves Michael Cera. Year One.

LESLIE: I ran into a former high school crush at the grocery store. Who knew forgotten memories could be recalled in one brief moment?


JUNE 21ST

DANE: @nikolopolis I got our Transformers tickets. Midnight showing on the 23rd! You can pay me back later. WOOOOO!!!

NIK: @danemainman sounds good, brotha. i'll pay you back when i can.

COURTNEY: Weekends officially suck now. Parking booth job = Lowest circle of hell. How long until retirement?

DANE: Visited Dad's grave today. Happy father's day, Pop.


JUNE 22ND

COURTNEY: @danemainman I need to talk to you about Nik. Can I come over?

DANE: @ccmcallis I’m here. Come on over. I hope everything’s okay.

LESLIE: Dane is alone with a girl in my house.  Should I be nervous?  To be honest, part of me is happy about this.

DANE: @lesleopard She’s Nik’s girlfriend. No need to be nervous. Or happy. I’m still the same disappointment I’ve always been.

COURTNEY: Dane’s Megan Fox poster freaks me out. I swear her eyes are following me.

DANE: @nikolopolis Call Courtney. She saw you last night from the parking booth. She knows what’s going on. Now I do too.

NIK: you guys don’t know what you think you know. thought you all trusted me. now i know who my true friends are.


JUNE 23RD

DANE: Some guy came out of Leslie’s room this morning. No shirt. Called me little man. Asked if I was Leslie’s brother. Today already sucks.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I ask you again, do NOT discuss my personal life on public forums!

DANE: @lesleopard Don’t bring strange men home without telling me, and then I won’t.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I’m sorry that happened.  His name is Jon.  We went to high school together.  If you want to talk about this, we can.

COURTNEY: It’s amazing how a guy can suddenly forget he has a girlfriend when another girl wants to have sex with him. Simply amazing.

DANE: @nikolopolis Are we still seeing Transformers tonight?

NIK: @danemainman you are. without me. take courtney since you two are such good loyal gossipy friends now.

DANE: To whatever god I pissed off recently...please let up! Seriously, today sucks so much balls!

COURTNEY: @danemainman I’ll go see the movie with you. I could use something distracting right now.

DANE: In line for Transformers with Courtney. I really shouldn't be this excited for a movie. But I am.


JUNE 24TH

DANE: Ho...ly...crap! It was awesome! So awesome! Megan Fox, the Egyptian stuff, The Fallen, Devastator, the last moment! So awesome!

COURTNEY: Fun night with Dane. An amusing flick, followed by staying up all night talking. @danemainman truly is the main man.

DANE: @ccmcallis Thanks. It was totally fun. We should do it again sometime.

LESLIE: I want to call Jon back, but will it make things awkward?  I hate this.

NIK: i’m just gonna do what i wanna do. if people are gonna be mad at me no matter what then i’ll just do whatever. fuck it.

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis Grow up.


JUNE 25TH

DANE: Going to see Transformers a second time with Courtney. Who knew we’d totally become friends?

NIK: i forgot how nice it is to be single. i’m like that heath ledger casanova guy. but not as gay. or dead.

LESLIE: Jon asked me why I stayed in Idaho when I had “so much going for me”.  How do I condense the last eight years into a sentence?

COURTNEY: Michael Jackson died. My relationship's a mess. Too many negative influences. I need a big city where I can disappear.

DANE: I feel like I have to do something great now. Something like Transformers. Something bigger than this town. Something extraordinary.


JUNE 26TH

LESLIE: Dane keeps making Michael Jackson jokes. He has no understanding of what this means to someone who grew up listening to “Thriller”.

DANE: I just found out @realmfox wasn’t really Megan Fox.  Sucks! I was going to ask her if there’s gonna be a third Transformers.

LESLIE: @danemainman  If they make a third "Transformers ", I’m going to transform into a person who never watches movies again.

DANE: @lesleopard Will Smith was right. Parents just don’t understand.

LESLIE: @danemainman  You only know that reference because of me!  You would know nothing about "The Fresh Prince " if it weren’t for me!

COURTNEY: Ignoring Nik’s calls. Don’t know why he’s calling, and honestly don’t care.

NIK: @ccmcallis i don’t know what you’re talking about, crazy lady.


JUNE 27TH

DANE: Sam Witwicky goes from being a high school nerd to saving the world. How can I ever do something like that?

COURTNEY: @danemainman Get a Camaro?

LESLIE: Dane is playing this video game where you can reverse time to correct your mistakes.  When can we do that in real life?

NIK: i’m thinking of going by the name niko from now on. like niko bellic. what do you think? "hey, niko! "


JUNE 28TH

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis  I refuse to ever call you Niko.

NIK: @lesleopard you can call me whatever you want.

COURTNEY: This guy keeps driving in and out of the parking lot, trying to get me to give him my  number. Should I do it?

DANE: @ccmcallis It’s the most interest anyone’s shown Tubbs Hill for years. I say it’s the least he deserves.


JUNE 29TH

DANE: Leslie’s going on a date with Jon tonight. I really don’t like this guy.

COURTNEY: Parking booth guy called today. He’s very self-involved and boring. I’m surprised that I’m surprised.

NIK: she’s already seeing that most guys are out there are lame. it’s just a matter of time before she comes back.

LESLIE: @danemainman Try talking to him sometime. You both actually have a lot in common. He loves "Transformers ".

DANE: @lesleopard So does most of America.

DANE: I wonder what it’s like for Fox and Labeouf to be involved with something so crazy popular. To have such an effect on so many people.

DANE: Holy crap! I know what I need to do! The thing that’s going to be amazing! I need some time to prepare...




JUNE 30TH

LESLIE: Dane already left the house before I woke up.  I feel sorry for the kid.  But I have my own needs and I can’t be sorry about that.

NIK: courtney’s ignoring my calls again. whatever.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  When you get home, do you want to go get some lunch and talk?

DANE: "Welcome To Oregon ". We’re on our way. No sacrifice, no victory!

LESLIE: @Danemainman  What???  Answer your phone!

COURTNEY: When you have a dead-end job and someone invites you on a road trip to California, what do you do? I guess in my case, say yes.

NIK: @ccmcallis @danemainman wtf????? what are you guys doing?????

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I am calling the police if you don’t answer your phone.  I am still your guardian.  Do not ignore me!

DANE: @lesleopard Don’t call the police! Just let me stop at the next town.

LESLIE: He’s going to Hollywood to write "Transformers 3 "!  He’s going to L.A. to tell Megan Fox about his idea for "Transformers 3 "!

DANE: We’re settling down in Wasco, OR tonight. I didn’t think I’d find a town smaller than Hayden Lake. It makes us look like a metropolis.

COURTNEY: I’m not used to driving for this long (although Dane is doing all the driving). So tired. Best to take this trip slow.


JULY 1ST

LESLIE: I woke up hoping yesterday was a dream.  But nope, Dane is still driving to California.  I don’t know what to do.

NIK: @danemainman i know you like transformers and everything. but this is just stupid. and why invite courtney and not me?

DANE: I have a mission. I have a sidekick. I have a journey. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

COURTNEY: I had no idea that other people pump gas for you in Oregon. Not the best job, but better than the one I have. Had.

LESLIE: I’m scared as hell, but he seems sure of what he wants.  It’s the first bit of real initiative he’s shown since I’ve known him.

LESLIE: Three years of half-hearted parenting haven’t prepared me for something like this.

DANE: We’re staying in Klamath Falls, Oregon tonight. I’m immediately suspicious of any place that has “math” in its name.


JULY 2ND

DANE: Flat tire just as we were leaving Klamath Falls. Tow truck is on the way to take us to Turn Thom Tire Factory. Crap.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Do you want me to come pick you up?

DANE: @lesleopard No. It’s just a flat tire. I’m okay.

COURTNEY: Klamath Falls is not a bad little place. It’s not a good little place, either.

NIK: this whole thing sounds worse and worse the more i think about it. and i’ve some really bad ideas in the past.

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis Why do you suddenly care?

DANE: They need to special order the tire. I guess the 185/55R15 tire is rare and hard to get. Thanks, Chevrolet!

NIK: @ccmcallis i always cared. i just don’t know how to make you happy.

LESLIE: I talked with Dane again.  I hate this.  I know I could put a stop to this, but I’m not sure that’s right.  How else will he learn?


JULY 3RD

LESLIE: I just got off the phone with Courtney’s mom.  She’s feeling the same way I am.  I’m glad to know I’m not the only bad mom here.

DANE: @lesleopard You’re not bad. You’re letting me do something I really care about. That’s totally awesome.

LESLIE: I’m "totally awesome ".  I’ll remember that when social services comes after me.

COURTNEY: Called the tire place. It’s gonna be another couple days before they can get the tire. So hey, Klamath Falls, what’s going on?

DANE: This is good. This gives me time to sit in my hotel room and work on my idea for the movie. It’s gonna be amazing!


JULY 4TH

DANE: The tire shop is closed. I didn’t even remember that there was a holiday. Today...is our Independence Day!

COURTNEY: Happy 4th of July, everyone! I’m spending it in a crap town with nothing to do. Just like my forefathers, no doubt.

LESLIE: Is independence such a good thing?  I’m starting to wonder.  The house is too quiet today.

NIK: @danemainman watching the twilight zone marathon. remember the 4th of july traditions we used to have? you’ve ruined all that. asshole.


JULY 5TH

DANE: Waiting to get the tire changed. I don't think I could feel more out of place than in this tire place. Totally not into rims.

COURTNEY: This place has the nastiest bathroom I've seen since...nope, it's deinitely the nastiest.

COURTNEY: Hello, new tire! It’s too late to do any major driving, so it looks like it’s one more night in Klamath Falls. Note my excitement.

DANE: Despite the setbacks, this is actually really exciting. It’s like I’m part of one of those novels that my dad used to talk about.

NIK: what if dane and Courtney decide to live in california from now on? will they have to update the hayden lake population sign?

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis  Shut up, Nik.


JULY 6TH

COURTNEY: Goodbye, Klamath Falls! We’ll be sure to avoid you on the way back.

DANE: "Welcome to California ". The three greatest words in the English language.

COURTNEY: California looks very deserty, even in the north. The cartoons didn’t lie. Cartoons never do.

LESLIE: A silent house is a hospital wing, a graveyard, the principal’s office and about 50 other terrifying things.

DANE: Courtney’s been introducing me to a lot of cool music. I’d never listened to Cold War Kids. I like it..

NIK: @danemainman she only listens to cold war kids because i introduced her. i’m the reason she knows anything about music. remember that.

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis Get over yourself! We’re not dating anymore, I’m hanging out with Dane, and you can fuck whoever you want. Deal.

DANE: We’re in Sacramento tonight. I’m having dinner with Schwarzenegger. Or just pizza at the hotel with Courtney. Good enough for me.


JULY 7TH

COURTNEY: If I see one more dead animal on the side of the road, I’m going to puke. That was either a small bear or a large St. Bernard.

DANE: Taking a detour to see San Francisco. We might take a day just to see the city. Isn’t that where Alcatraz is?

COURTNEY: Just had a long talk with Dane about girls. I really need to set him up with someone when we get home. He’s too nice to be single.

LESLIE: I did not know the trip would take this long. I want to take more vacation days rather than secretly checking my Twitter at work.

COURTNEY: I made sure to pick some flowers and put them in my hair for this occasion. San Fran is beeyootiful! I shall leave my heart here.

DANE: Jesus, this city is huge! It’s messy and loud and everything’s either really old or really new. Idaho’s a world away from this place.

LESLIE: Another quiet day. I don’t know how I’m going to deal when Dane graduates and goes to college. I’ll push for North Idaho College.

NIK: @lesleopard do you want me to come over?

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis  Sure.  What the hell.  Company would be nice.  We’ll order a pizza.

COURTNEY: I love this place! So different from Coeur d’Alene. Our hotel’s totally ghetto-riffic. I love it!


JULY 8TH

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Call me back, please.  I need to talk to you about something.

DANE: @lesleopard Why can’t you talk about it here? Is something wrong?

NIK: @danemainman you took my girl. i made out with your mom. now we’re even. deal.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Dane, please answer my calls.  We need to talk about this.

COURTNEY: @nikolopolis You’re a terrible person. You’re a selfish, rude, arrogant asshole of a person.

NIK: @ccmcallis that’s why we get along so well. have fun in california.

COURTNEY: Sitting in the motel lobby. Dane and Leslie aren’t talking. Nik and I aren’t talking. Communication sucks.


JULY 9TH

COURTNEY: Dane and I are still going to try and have a fun day in San Francisco, despite everything.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I am so sorry for what I did.  If you need/want to call me today, I’ll be by the phone.

COURTNEY: @lesleopard I’ll talk to him, Ms. Leopard. But I can’t make any promises.

DANE: Haight & Ashbury is really cool. Just a bunch of people who don’t seem to care. Wish I could join them right now.

LESLIE: I wasn’t meant to raise children.  Not this early in my life.  I’m too young to be this old.

DANE: Courtney is an amazing companion for all of this. Really, really glad she’s here.

COURTNEY: @danemainman Thanks! I’m glad I’m here, too. I’m typing this while sitting right next to you.

DANE: So...I just had my first kiss. Technically not the "first " one, but the first one that ever meant anything. Wow.

COURTNEY: I don’t know why I did that. I just felt like I should. Um...I don’t know what to do now. Or what to feel. Or say.


JULY 10TH

DANE: I’m looking for my car. I thought I parked it here.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Dane?  Where’s the car?

DANE: My car was stolen! This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

COURTNEY: Dane is acting too much like my mom right now. I just had to calm him down. That was too scary.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Dane, come home.  The vacation’s over.  I’m buying you a plane ticket.

DANE: @lesleopard No! You don’t get to tell me what to do! You’re not my mom and you can’t make good decisions!

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I am still your guardian.  You’re coming home.  And answer your goddamn phone!

COURTNEY: Dane’s still talking about going to L.A. Whether or not he does, I think the vacation ends here for me.


JULY 11TH

COURTNEY: At the bus station, ready to go home. This was a disaster. If there’s a guardian angel, look after me right about now?

DANE: Courtney’s going back. I can’t call the police about the car, because they’ll make me go home. So I continue on my own.

LESLIE: Dennis, why aren’t you here?  I’m not strong enough for this.  I don’t know what to do.


JULY 12TH

DANE: I wish I read On The Road. How was he able to do this so easily? Or did he? More reason why I should’ve read it.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  If you come home right now, I promise I will take you to L.A. as soon as we can.

DANE: I’m ignoring certain people right now. No one will stop me on what I need to do.


JULY 13TH

DANE: Busses smell bad. Like, all of them. It’s weird. The things I do for Megan Fox. You can’t say I’m not a fan.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Dane, I am ordering you to come home now!  You are lucky I have not called the police!  My patience is running short!

DANE: @lesleopard You haven’t called the police because then they’d see what a shitty job you’ve done. That’s the only reason.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Whatever mistakes I’ve made, I’m sorry.  But I want to see you home safe because I care about you.

DANE: @lesleopard No you don’t! I was the add-on to your marriage. The accessory. Since when have you cared about me?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I have always cared about you!  You just never gave me a chance to because I wasn’t your mom!  Well, guess what...

LESLIE: @Danemainman  ...Your mom and your dad aren’t around anymore.  I’m all you have.  So we’ll just have to make the best of it.

DANE: @lesleopard If you’re all I have, then I’d rather be alone.


JULY 14TH

DANE: I am standing on the beach. I still cannot believe how beautiful and peaceful this ocean is.

LESLIE: I met Dennis Leopard four years ago, and I fell instantly in love.  When he proposed to me, it was a no-brainer.

LESLIE: He was handsome, intelligent, charming, and he had a wonderful son, this 13-year-old who I was instantly taken by.

LESLIE: When I was asked to be a part of the family, I knew it would be difficult, but I wanted to take that chance.  Because that’s love.

LESLIE: If I could find a way to stop the truck that killed Dennis a year ago, I would trade almost anything for it.  Except for Dane.

LESLIE: Dane has grown into an incredible young man who never ceases to surprise me.  And I can’t wait to see where he goes from here.

LESLIE: Whatever anyone thinks, I love Dane.  I may not be all he has.  But he’s all I have.  And I’m nothing without him.

LESLIE: And now I have hurt the only thing I love.  Which is inexcusable.  All I can hope is that he can understand, and forgive me.


JULY 15TH

DANE: @lesleopard I’m sorry for what I said. You’re a cool parent. For being old and all.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  You’re an amazing kid.  I’m sorry if I don’t tell you that enough.  Will you please come home?

DANE: @lesleopard I’m so close. I just have to get there.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Alright.  Please be careful.  And keep me updated.

DANE: @lesleopard Ok. I’m in Santa Maria right now.

NIK: i feel terrible. i didn’t want any of this to happen. would saying sorry to everyone make this all better?

DANE: @nikolopolis We’ll talk when I get back.


JULY 16TH

DANE: On a bus to Los Angeles.  Today, I’ll be seeing all the sights.  Tomorrow, it’s time to get down to business.

DANE: Los Angeles is ridiculous.  Five lanes of freeway, and no one goes anywhere!

DANE: I’m at a cool little hostel in Hollywood. Tomorrow I go see “literary agents”, who will get my ideas to the studio. Wish me luck!

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Best of luck!  I’m rooting for you.  Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes.


JULY 17TH

DANE: First literary agent won’t see me. I didn’t make an appointment. What is this, the dentist?

DANE: Second guy won’t see me, either. Won’t even meet with me.

DANE: Leaving the third office. This is getting ridiculous.

DANE: Another rejection. It’s like this town doesn’t even care if you have a great idea for a movie.

DANE: Back at the hostel. This sucks. This totally sucks. This place, the people, everything sucks here.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  So...what are you going to do from here?

DANE: @lesleopard I have Megan Fox’s address (thanks, @douglasdodgson). If I could get her behind the idea, then she could talk to people.


JULY 18TH

DANE: I can’t get into studios. Literary agents won’t talk to me. But what about Megan herself? I’m about to find out.

DANE: No one knows where this address is. Someone told me this street doesn’t exist. That’s the last time I trust Twitter.

DANE: About to buy a map that shows me where movie stars houses are. This should help.

DANE: Megan Fox’s house is nearby. I love when the stars align perfectly like this. I’m actually going to meet her! This is surreal!

DANE: On the bus. This is destiny. I’m a Leopard. She’s a Fox. We should get along great.

DANE: This can’t be Megan Fox’s house.

DANE: That wasn’t Megan Fox’s house.

LESLIE: I don’t know what to say in situations like this.  I can’t tell the kid to throw in the towel.  But...


JULY 19TH

DANE: Today is the one year anniversary of my dad’s death. And I’m spending it sitting on a bench on Santa Monica Blvd. This city sucks.

DANE: My idea for Transformers 3 was going to be amazing. It starts a year from now. Sam and Mikaela are about to get married.

DANE: But right when they’re about to get married, a meteor storm happens. But they’re not meteors. They’re the evil Decepticons.

DANE: They start terrorizing the city looking for Sam. In the chaos, Sam’s parents protect Sam and end up getting killed by a Decepticon.

DANE: All this time, the Decepticons have been trying to get the last piece of the All-Spark, which will grant unlimited power.

DANE: The Decepticons capture Mikaela, and are torturing her for information on where Sam is. But out of love for Sam, she says nothing.

DANE: It turns out that the last piece of the All Spark was embedded in Sam during the struggle in the first movie. Sam is the last piece.

DANE: Sam realizes he is the last hope. He must save his love and his planet. Like the Witwicky’s say, “No sacrifice, no victory.”

DANE: Using the same technology that turns machines into transformers, he sacrifices himself and turns into an Autobot.

DANE: And so this guy, who was just another high school geek, is suddenly a powerful half-human half-robot who can save his friends...

DANE: ...defend the woman he loves and make sure his parents didn’t die in vain. That’s the movie I want to see.

DANE: That’s the great things about Transformers. When all seems lost, you have a giant protector to look after you and make it all okay.

DANE: But I guess at the end of the day, it’s all just a movie.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Do you want to come home?

DANE: @lesleopard Yeah.


 

JULY 20TH

DANE: On the way to the L.A. airport. Goodbye, crazy city. I’d like to say I’ll miss you but that’s probably not true.

LESLIE: I am so glad to have all of this behind us.  Of course, I’m not resting until he’s here at the house.  Not taking chances this time.

DANE: So glad I had nothing better to do today. Going through a lot of security crap. Traveling alone with little luggage. Understandable.

DANE: On the plane. Won’t be Twittering for a while. For once.

NIK: @lesleopard now that everything’s cooled down, do you want to talk about what happened?

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis  I really don’t.  You’re Dane’s friend.  I’m his stepmom.  That’s the extent of our relationship.

NIK: @lesleopard that works for me.


JULY 21ST

LESLIE: I picked Dane up at the Spokane Airport last night.  The poor kid looked like hell.  He’s still sleeping.

DANE: I was never so happy to see Spokane. Or Hayden Lake. Or Leslie. Big hugs all around. Reunited with my bed. Yay!

LESLIE: I’m taking the day off today, so that we can catch up and he can tell me about his vacation.  It’s an exciting tale.

DANE: Advice to anyone wanting to take their own vacation: rent a car. Seriously.

NIK: hey, shouldn’t courtney have come home by now?


JULY 22ND

NIK: called courtney’s number. no answer. have no idea what’s going on.

DANE: @nikolopolis I just got the same thing.

LESLIE: I just called Courtney’s mother.  She is home, but she doesn’t want to talk to anyone.  Perfectly understandable, in my opinion.

LESLIE: So, Dane takes a road trip to California and doesn’t bring back a single souvenir?  Where’s my snow globe, mister?

DANE: @lesleopard Next time, ask.


JULY 23RD

LESLIE: Dane is in a mood right now.  It’s never been more obvious just how little I’m able to talk to this kid.

DANE: We’re finally reporting the stolen car today. I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of explaining to do. I’m not looking forward to it.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  If they find the car in San Francisco, how can they prove that you drove it there?

LESLIE: P.S. Please no one spill the beans that I’m conspiring with my kid in lying to the police.  I like my record clean.

NIK: called courtney’s again. still not talking. seriously, how long does it take to get over a road trip?

LESLIE: I just dealt with the police, who were very nice and unassuming.  If they only knew the whole story.


JULY 24TH

NIK: @ccmcallis courtney! why aren’t you returning my calls? i wanna talk to you.

DANE: @nikolopolis Dude, leave her alone. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, she doesn’t want to talk to you. Get over it.

NIK: @danemainman this doesn’t concern you, so stay out of this.

DANE: @nikolopolis What is your problem, man? I’m not the one who did anything wrong here.

NIK: @danemainman you took someone i love, and you don’t think that’s wrong?

DANE: @nikolopolis All I did was ask her if she wanted to go on a road trip with me. She wanted to. I didn’t kidnap her. She wanted to go.

LESLIE: I really want to interject here.  But I know that I shouldn’t.  This is part of the whole "teenage parenting " thing, right?


JULY 25TH

NIK: @danemainman i’m just saying i wouldn’t have done that to you. i’d choose you before anyone else.

DANE: @nikolopolis You never choose me first! You’re always going out with girls instead of hanging out with me! Some friendship.

NIK: @danemainman i go out on dates! we all can’t just stay at home and obsess over some girl we’re never gonna be with!

DANE: @nikolopolis And I’m sorry that I’m not out there having sex with anything on two legs.


JULY 26TH

NIK: @danemainman don’t blame me that i have a social life and you don’t. that ain’t my fault.

DANE: @nikolopolis I don’t blame you for having girlfriends. I blame you for ignoring me when you do.

NIK: @danemainman whatever, man. have fun with megan fox. who you’ll never meet because you’re a fuck up.

LESLIE: @Nikolopolis  Okay, I was keeping out of it, but Dane is not a fuck up.  And if you can’t see that, then you’re an idiot.


JULY 27TH

NIK: @lesleopard don’t get involved in this. you have nothing to do with this.

DANE: @nikolopolis Because I went for something I’m passionate about, and you don’t give a shit about anything, I’m the fuck up?

NIK: @danemainman i give a shit about courtney. and you stole her away from me.

DANE: @nikolopolis She’s not yours to have. So if she wants to be with me now, who cares?

NIK: @danemainman you think because you two kissed that she’s yours now? that’s your problem, you’re always after women you can’t have.


JULY 28TH

COURTNEY: Guys! Stop it! I wasn’t talking to any of you to avoid this. I can see how well that turned out. I just needed some time...

COURTNEY: ...to myself and away from this stupid website. But now that you’re all at each other’s throats, I guess I need to step in.

COURTNEY: Nik, we’re not dating anymore. You need to be able to be with just me. And you can’t. So we’re over. Please get over it.

COURTNEY: Dane, we kissed. But I’m not ready for a relationship right now. And I think you also have some stuff to work through yourself.

COURTNEY: And you all need to figure out a way to talk to each other that’s more than 140 characters. Seriously, this has gotten ridiculous.

COURTNEY: Dane, Nik, your friendship is bigger than me, Leslie or some stupid movie. If you guys don’t become friends again, you’re morons.

COURTNEY: Leslie, I spent a few days talking to Dane. Like, actually talking. You can do the same thing. You just need to actually try it.

COURTNEY: If any of you want to talk to me, you can call or visit. But I’m done here. So stop Twittering and actually talk for once.

NIK: don’t know what to say. or what to type. or if i should.

DANE: Just had a long talk with Courtney on the phone. I’d write more about it, but I’m afraid of what she’d say.

DANE: I also just realized that it’s been over a month since I saw Transformers 2. Looking back, I kinda wish I hadn’t bothered.


JULY 29TH

LESLIE: Another characteristically bad mood from Dane.  He’s not answering my questions.  How can I help if he won’t let me?

DANE: What do I do with my summer now? Seriously, everything else is downhill from here.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Well, you know what’s super exciting?  A job!

DANE: @lesleopard Yeah, probably. I’ll look in the paper today.

LESLIE: Dane’s talking about looking for a job.  Something must be seriously wrong.

DANE: @lesleopard Well, I need to stop being a kid someday. So maybe I stop obsessing over silly things and actually become an adult.

LESLIE: Does being an adult mean that we stop doing silly things?  Did I lose my spontaneity when I lost my minor status?


JULY 30TH

DANE: I’m going to apply for a movie theater job. Courtney suggested it, and I think she may be right.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Is this what you what you want to do?

DANE: @lesleopard It’s not really if I want to or not. It’s good for me to get some work experience in as early as I can.

LESLIE: I couldn’t wait for this kid to grow up.  So now that it’s happened, why do I feel this way?

NIK: i’m going to an 18 and over club in spokane tonight. and i’m not leaving unless it’s with a girl. awwww, yeah!


JULY 31ST

NIK: honestly, it wasn’t as cool waking up in someone else’s house as i thought it would be. it was actually kinda creepy.

DANE: Should I apply for the movie theater in Coeur d’Alene or in Hayden?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Why not apply for both?  Then play them against each other.  Like Highlander.  There can be only one!

DANE: @lesleopard I don’t get that reference.

LESLIE: Apparently, I am 500 years old.  I didn’t know this.


AUGUST 1ST

DANE: Turned in the applications to the movie theaters. They both seemed really nice. This could be the rest of my summer.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  You know, you don’t have to get a job right now.  Jobs can wait.

DANE: @lesleopard Thanks. But I feel like I should.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Only if this is what you want.  Only then.


AUGUST 2ND

DANE: If I can’t get a job at the movie theaters, I think I might try the video stores. Free rentals. That would be nice.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  You still haven’t answered my question.  Is this what you WANT to do?

DANE: @lesleopard No! Of course not! But no one ever wants to have a job. Why do I get to be different?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Because you have a lot of money and the rest of the summer.  Be a kid!  Be reckless and stupid!

DANE: @lesleopard Aren’t you supposed to be encouraging me to be responsible?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  You can be responsible next year.  Right now, be my kid.


AUGUST 3RD

DANE: The Hayden movie theater called today. Wants to do an interview. I hate talking. Is that a problem?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I’m coming home on my lunch break.  I’d like to talk when I get there.

DANE: I just had a long talk with Leslie. I think I’m gonna wait on getting a job for a little while.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I’m glad to hear it.  What do you want for dinner tonight?

DANE: @lesleopard Something really unhealthy. So basically anything.


AUGUST 4TH

DANE: When Leslie comes home today, we’re getting me a car. How lame is it that after everything I still want a yellow Camaro?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  I promise you that if it blows out the windows of the other cars, I’ll buy it for you.

DANE: @lesleopard How do you know that reference? Did you watch the movie?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Well, I do live in America.  And you have watched it about fifty million times.  P.S. I’m on my way home.

DANE: I am now the proud owner of a red 1999 Dodge Neon. Ladies, the line starts to the right of my front door.

NIK: talked with courtney. it’s over between us. i know that. it’s time for me to stop sulking and make things right again.


AUGUST 5TH

NIK: finally got to see transformers 2 with dane. it was okay.  not as good as the first. but megan fox...totally hot.

DANE: Watching Transformers 2 for a third time, it wasn’t as good as I remembered. Still cool, but it seems like it’s trying too hard.

DANE: Megan Fox, as someone who was obsessed with you (and kinda still am), I want to say sorry for all the creepy guys out there.

DANE: By the way, I wish I could say all of this better, but, ya know, 140 characters. It’s really limiting.  Anyway, keep up the good work.

COURTNEY: Just got off the phone with my dad in Montana. It’s time for a change. This makes sense to me.

COURTNEY: And yes, I Twittered. Say what you will, and let’s all get over it, okay?

DANE: @ccmcallis I’m not happy that you’re moving, and I’m definitely going to miss you. But I’m happy that you’ll be happy.


AUGUST 6TH

LESLIE: Jon called me last night.  I was supposed to call him back about a month ago.  How do I possibly explain what all happened?

DANE: @lesleopard I heard that when people like each other, they go out on these things called “dates”. It’s worth looking into.

LESLIE: I’m torn between pursuing what I want, and my duties as a mother.  No matter which way I go, I hurt someone.

DANE: @lesleopard I’m fine. Call him back. Besides, you’re not getting any younger.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  No more old jokes. Smartass.


AUGUST 7TH

NIK: school is starting in less than a month. it’s my last year...finally.  i have no idea what i’m gonna do.

DANE: @nikolopolis Just don’t get a job that requires you to use capital letters.

NIK: @danemainman you can’t see it right now, but i’m sticking my middle finger up at you.

LESLIE: A nice date with Jon last night.  No one can possibly replace Dennis.  So what am I looking for?

DANE: @lesleopard If you’re happy, and you’re not hurting anyone, what’s the point of questioning it?

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Stop being so grown up.  It’s scaring me.


AUGUST 8TH

COURTNEY: Finished packing. The rest will be mailed to me later. I’m all ready to go.

DANE: @ccmcallis ...and I helped!

LESLIE: @ccmcallis  Best of luck to you.  I hope you find what you’re looking for.

NIK: i’m seeing gi joe tonight. maybe i’ll drive to Hollywood with my idea for the sequel.

DANE: @nikolopolis You only wish you were able to do that.

NIK: @danemainman actually, yeah. i haven’t done shit with my life. it was the stupidest thing you ever did. but it was also kinda badass.


AUGUST 9TH

DANE: I woke up to find a book about writing movies on the table. I’m guessing this is for me.

LESLIE: @Danemainman  Jon liked your idea for “Transformers 3”.  He thought this would help you learn how to write it.

DANE: @lesleopard Tell Jon not to try so hard. Also, tell him thanks.

COURTNEY: Goodbye, Hayden Lake!  Goodbye, Twitter!

NIK: saw gi joe last night. hollywood needs to stop making movies based on old toys. let us grow up. give us new stuff.

LESLIE: It’s a weird feeling to think that this is the rest of your life.  It’s even weirder to know that it actually isn’t.

DANE: Maybe there is a way to tell this story better. To transform my ideas into something concrete. So I guess I have some reading to do...

THE END